Dating in L.A. Sucks. We Did the Math. Illustration by Patti Andrews The Preamble

Relationships are hard. Relationships in Los Angeles are harder. Perhaps the 405 is always to blame for canceled times? Maybe Peter Pan Syndrome stops substantive connections? Regardless of the main cause, single Angelenos are approaching the relationship game with apathy rather than intent, and thatРІР‚в„ўs unpleasant. If you’d like proof, think about the following imagined—but all too recognizable—interaction, which weРІР‚в„ўve scored on a true points system. Study, take in, then function as modification you want to see when you look at the world that is dating.

Illustration by Patti Andrews

The Preamble

It’s a prototypically perfect L.A. day, and you’re at a coffee that is third-wave Eightfold in Echo Park, possibly the Boy & the Bear in Redondo Beach—reading David Sedaris’s me personally Talk Pretty One Day. “Great guide,” somebody says (+50 no matter who stated it, because yes, it’s a good guide). You appear up and determine what you should determine being a person.вђќ that is вђњgood-looking Let’s call them Hot Stranger. a covert look reveals that Hot Stranger’s left hand is devoid of a marriage ring (+10, that has the power to be a home-wrecker?). “I understand, right?” you say. “Are you a fan of Sedaris?” “I am,” Hot Stranger states (-15, most likely a lie). “Dress family in Corduroy and Denim is their most useful work in my estimation.” (+100, plainly maybe perhaps not lying;В -100, obviously maybe not Sedaris’s best work). You introduce yourself; Hot Stranger presents themselves; you shake arms (+25, strong handshake). The barista is heard by you yell out an purchase, and Hot Stranger says, “Ohp! Be right back” (+15, the onomatopoeia “Ohp” betrays Hot Stranger’s Midwestern origins, and Midwesterners usually are nicer than a lot of people). Hot Stranger returns making use of their beverage and states, “Look, we don’t mean to be ahead, but I would personally want to simply just just take you out sometime” (+100, fortune favors the brave). “Sure,” you say, and also you change figures. “Cool,” Hot Stranger says. “I’ll text you tomorrow!” And now you wait.В

The Date

It’s Wednesday, precisely per week and 3 days because you came across Stranger that is hot you’ve maybe maybe not heard from their store. (-150, that’s aggravating. No, you didn’t reach away because Hot Stranger stated they’d text YOU. People needs to do whatever they state they’re likely to do.) At 8 p.m., a text is got by you. “Hey. Sorry i did son’t get in contact reveal sooner LOL. Wanna grab that drink?” (-65, unforgivable utilization of punctuation after “Hey.” And -10 for capitalizing LOL, which can be gross). Hot Stranger took their sweet time getting into touch, you react immediately because head games are for sociopaths (and you’re perhaps not just a sociopath). “OK,” you state before providing your night saturday. “I happened to be really thinking tonight,” Hot Stranger says. “930? The Bungalow?” (-90, brief notice; -250, no body worth knowing—or driving for—suggests a primary date during the Bungalow). “Can’t tonight,” you state. “But I’m tomorrow!” that is free No answer through to the day that is following 8:40 p.m. (-75, rude, specifically for a Midwesterner). “See you within an hour?” (-150, nope. Additionally, learn to make an agenda). You react: “Never heard right right back from you—out with friends. Sorry!” You’re neither out with friends nor have you been sorry. You’re in loungewear, getting through to Mary Berry-era episodes of the truly amazing British Baking Show, therefore life is obviously very good. No answer from Hot Stranger.

The Aftermath

Hot Stranger texts the overnight. “My bad about that week,” they do say (+25, “My bad” is variety of a similar thing being an apology, and apologizing is cool; +45 to be self-aware enough to type of apologize into the beginning. Let’s reinforce good actions). “Appreciate that,” you reply. “Let me determine if you wish to find another ” time You never hear from Hot Stranger again (+50, none of us have enough time because of this kind of thing, therefore call that is we’ll a win), nevertheless they now follow you on Instagram (-125, WTF).